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The Dark Side of the Teletubbies

It's just wrong. But you must try it.

You'll laugh until it hurts. You'll be disturbed for life. Read on...


I've always hated the Teletubbies. I couldn't figure out how even a 1-year-old could be entertained by these retarded, bouncing space monkeys. The only way I'd ever (intentionally) watch this show is if they fought each other to the death using shovels to see which retard is the last one standing. Of course, as a reward, the winner of the death match would be set on fire. What, you mean you haven't also been longing for that episode to air?

In November of 2007, my wife and I made a shocking discovery. These moronic freaks do serve an actual purpose besides acting stupid, speaking jibberish, and making poopy in their rainbow colored pajamas, presumably to appease the giant baby-sun in the sky. I'll explain shortly.

Now unless you've been living under a rock, you know about how Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon makes a perfect sound track to the Wizard of Oz. Turn off the movie's sound, and start the album at just the right time to get everything in sync for the full effect (there are websites that explain exactly how to do this - Google it).

So my wife and I decided to watch some pre-recorded show on our Digital Video Recorder / cable box, but there was an outage with the cable company that rendered our DVR completely useless. It could only tune in to channel 94, and this PBS channel just happened to be running the Teletubbies. I thought to myself, "Oh @#$%@#!", how could they do this to us? Anything but Teletubbies!

Not wanting to give up on the idea of sitting down for some entertainment, I thought for a moment. I turned off the volume, turned on the Soundbridge mp3 server and selected Dark Side of the Moon. I don't know why. Maybe the colorful suits reminded me of the prism/rainbow image on the album cover. I don't even like Skittles. Anyway, this event opened a door to a whole new reality unlike anything I've ever seen. We laughed so hard that I got light-headed and wanted to throw up. But I was also very disturbed by this and have nightmares now. Your results may vary.

The Teletubbies seemed to be moving intentionally with the music. I think they were saying, "Now you get it. You know why we came. This is our purpose. We arrived on this planet because we are huge Pink Floyd fans. Please help us to find the giant floating pig."

Maybe it was just my imagination, but then the lyrics confirmed it. If you've ever seen the Teletubbies, you know there are rabbits running all over the place for no apparent reason. And they continually cut to the "sunshine baby" in the sky who does absolutely nothing but drool and appear to be enjoying the stupidity of it all. While all this is going on, the lyrics of the song "Breathe" matched up with what was on the screen... "Run, rabbit run. Dig that hole, forget the sun." Whoa!

Need I say more? Then suddenly they ran to the front of their underground grass house, just as the lyrics "Home, home again" came on. Too much. Then the instrumental "Any Colour You Like" comes on. I decided I like the yellow Teletubby - I might be able to wash my car with it.

"The lunatic is on the grass. The lunatic is on the grass." Yes, there are four of them, thank you for pointing that out. And yes, I believe some lunatic had to be on lots of grass when they came up with the idea for the Teletubbies.

So when you're bored and want to have your mind scrambled by a psychedelic experience that some people would consume dangerous chemicals to achieve, put on the Teletubbies, mute the volume, and play DSOTM.

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